I was recently asked about a phrase written in my new-soon to be released- book, Living Water, and what I had meant by it. While driving to our Son’s funeral, I had stated that I had “seen the face of God.” The Face of God, not as a literal seeing the physical facial attributes, but rather, for me it was that God was with me. A closeness indescribable other than to say I saw His face. He was right there, in the midst of my suffering, holding my hand, lifting me up, granting me peace. I was His and He was mine. The Lord had given me an opportunity to be in such a place of sorrow, need, and loneliness that I could actually feel His presence and know Him in a very different intimate way.
As my fingers worked the keyboard explaining just what I had meant by those choice of words, it struck me that in that very moment, I was with God once more. The day had been one for the record books. You know, those days that will always stand in your memory. The date, what you were wearing, your hair style, the colors of the painted sky, the smell of the season. For me, it was the pain in my heart that I swore would never go away. This wasn’t just any ordinary day. We were so excited to have announced to family and friends just weeks prior, that we had made the decision to adopt a baby into our family. It felt like we were pregnant. So nervously full of joy. We sent in our preliminary application which had awarded us more paperwork to send out to friends, church staff and various outlets to affirm that we were indeed a great family in which to raise a child. Our confidence let us down.
That morning I received an emailed letter letting us know that we would not be invited to the next adoption orientation; as a referral concerned how any child could be properly educated while being Homeschooled. Never even speaking with our children about academics. . .the judgement was made. The knife turned deep as it entered our souls. Immediate bitterness, anger and then complete sorrow. Another child lost. After miscarriages and losing a child, even with the crew of five sitting around the table; the loss of just one future child was great. More than that, the heartbreak of deception, rejection and betrayal had broken us once again.
Was this it? Our dream and God given desire to rescue and ransom a life. . .over? The dream seemed to have died right there. We held each other, cried, yelled out in anger at a judgement untrue and unfounded. Would we recover? Would we continue? Would we run? The 24 hrs to process what had just happened to us lent it’s way to seeking God, crying out to Him and feeling once again His incredible presence. His rescue and ransom of our own orphaned lives.; it was He who had adopted us as His children and He would not let us suffer in vain. The providence of the almighty sovereign God, our father, was to let us feel this rejection as He did on earth. Even still, our constant rejecting him over and over and over again… Did it feel like this? The difference, we aren’t perfect and most likely deserve much of what is fed us. But the perfect Lord, our savior never did anything to deserve his tortuous mutilation on the cross. God gave me loneliness to see that I indeed was never alone. He is always with me. Even when everyone leaves. When the cradle remains empty. Like John Waller’s “While I’m Waiting”
“I’m waiting, I’m waiting on you Lord, and I am hopeful, I’m waiting on you Lord, though it is painful. . .but patiently, I will wait. I will move ahead bold and confident, taking every step in obedience. . .while I’m waiting, I will serve you, while I’m waiting, I will worship while I’m waiting, I will not faint, I’ll be running the race, even while I wait. . .”
Pregnancy, adoption, tough times, and even this short, short life are all moments of waiting. We wait for the gestation to be completed. We wait for the adoption agency to approve us. We wait for the birth mothers to choose us. We wait to make the orphan ours. And while living here in this broken world, we wait. We wait on the Lord until He takes us home. And I will serve him, worship him, praise him, glorify him and long for him as I wait. As the sting of rejection subsides, as the child yet to be created is laid in our arms, and yes, even as the cradle remains empty. I will wait. Because God knows my heart and the desires within. I am His child. And with His everlasting love. . .knowing him will be enough. The closeness with him. . .seeing His Face is always worth the wait. Our Adoption Journey continues. . .
“They who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.” – Isaiah 40:31